My 2017 flow reflection is a vulnerable overview of growing pains and mindset inflections.
Spring: Spring always makes me happy! The thunder storms, the colors, the baby animals. All of it, I love all of it! My prior small case of winter blues compiled with my current state of happiness brought big moments of inner connection with myself and I knew I was due for a change, I was going to make it happen and after a five hour drive to the Tetons, I did.
Summer: This summer I LOVED WHO I HAD BECOME and was becoming. It was the me I had been desperately craving since my first episode of depression back somewhere around the fifth grade. Much less afraid of silly things, though still a little afraid to sleep alone if I am being completely honest. I felt so much more confident in many of my abilities like athleticism. I finally realized how important other people in my life were and are, as a repercussion of attempting to isolate myself in a meadow, but then observing others much older than I becoming bitter with time by also attempting isolation. Vitality is a total balance of who we spend time around and how we treat ourselves during chill time alone. Hiking every single week was total eye candy for the soul! Different wild flower sights each time I went outside it seemed. The sound of water flowing in the mornings. Creativity found in experimenting with the veggies from the farm that filled half of my fridge every share. Though it was not the easiest, the farm and my home in the meadow was a magnificent learning experience. I wouldn't have it any other way. All of this productivity and so much less of that nasty feeling of obligation. Focused so much more on the feeling of freedom to simply be living on this earth. God, that is good. That is a good feeling!
Fall: Lethargy hit! Straight up and merciless with the drop in temp. Stresses about the next step in life dawned in conjunction with my fresh relationship and our plans to be flexible. This "flexibility" turned into more of an anxiety versus the freedom I had hoped for in our road trip to western Oregon. Now, unfortunately, I let myself and my self-love and confidence in my own clarity unravel in many ways as I observed myself out of sorts. All clarity that was so prevalent seemed to vanish. The fall was a beauty, nonetheless, in western Oregon and there were good times laced, though inverted. End of fall and we made a sweep of a move to Bend. I don't quite know why, it just felt right. It was finally something that felt right enough to place energy into. Though I bawled my eyes out the entire drive out of Tetonia (and still cry about it, occasionally, months later), I knew this was going to be the break it or make it of my new relationship and I knew that had to be first priority in my next step.
Winter: Here we are in the winter season and step by step, I am getting back on track. More on track than I ever imagined this winter to be, actually! Pursuing goals with my Photography that I had indefinitely set aside for quite some time. This vision came through meeting the right people within my first couple of weeks in Bend. I knew it was right. It felt right when nothing else did, just like moving here. Occasional bouts of varied depression lace their way through my week to week, but I am brightening up once again! It is an exciting time to be human, terrifying at times, yet exciting. I am finding my way and it is no longer as dark as it was in my vision and I don't see any sorts of darkness in the immediate future. I see opportunity, I see blossoms, I see my natural state of being and lord, I LOVE WHO I AM TO BECOME. Remembering to let go of obligations and breathe into the rich abundance of the universe. Let Shine and Be Shine.
Cheers, my friends, to a luxuriously brilliant 2018!
